Moving to Freedom, .Org(on)

I am Ohhoog

a goat

I am not Othos, of course.

I am…

Ohhoog

When I wrote the Othos post, I grew curious about how many hairs might actually be in a beard. I searched for [how many hairs in a beard] and found:

How Many Hairs Does A Man’s Beard Contain?

Between 4,000 and 40,000 hairs. That includes side-burns, upper lip area, chin, neck and all around the jawline. How many hairs in a particular beard depends how much of one’s face is covered, and on hair density factors, too. Some sources reckon the “average” beard contains about 10,000 hairs. The total number of potential beard hairs on a man’s face is said to average around 30,000.

We will trust this information because it’s the #1 search result on Google, and the site’s name is “blurt it.”

That’s a lot more than one thousand, but “Othos” will remain as our term for beardly goodness and the bearded ones that pull it off, since it is clearly better than “Tthos” for ten, twenty, or even Thirty Thousand Hairs Of Sexy.

We’ve established that I am not, in fact, Othos.

I am Ohhoog.

After last year’s holiday beard-growing attempt, I had little desire to try it ever again, but I idly threatened it recently when I realized I had gone five days without shaving. My wife didn’t respond. Her first reaction whenever I have a brilliant idea is, “ignore it and hope it goes away.”

I thought about it. Maybe I just have an ugly beardling phase to get through before I can blossom into a hairy swan. But it seems unlikely. And I didn’t want to put my family, small children, and complete strangers through all that again.

Still, when next I found myself shaving, I held back. I left something.

The Goat.

I would be Ohhoog.

One Hundred Hairs Of Goatee.

Observant readers will notice this makes OHHOG, not OHHOOG. I liked the look and sound of Ohhog, but I wanted to have an adjective in there. We should pass judgment on this thing. “O” seemed to work the best. I wrote down:

One Hundred Hairs Of O______ Goatee

The words I first retrieved from my own brain were onerous and ostentatious. These are okay, but I wanted more options. I might have stretched my feeble mind to think of a few more, but then my essential laziness led me to foist the work onto the internet. I searched for [adjectives that start with o], and for that we get as the top result, “Adjectives That Start with O.” Wow. The internet is so effing cool. And Google is so your friend.

For reasons I’ll explain in another post, I’m usually annoyed by the phrase (admonishment, really), “Google is your friend,” but at that moment, Google was my friend. It’s not that this was the most amazing page I’d ever found, it’s just that it was so effing perfect for my request. (Sorry. I don’t want to swear gratuitously here, but my expectation of men with facial hair is that they curse frequently. But they probably don’t apologize for it. I’ll work on that part. And they probably just say “fuck it,” and write the word, “fucking.”)

It’s not that the words were so obscure (hey!) that I couldn’t have thought of them, but in acronym building as in life, it’s just better if someone else does the work of giving you a list to choose from.

Most suitable for my purposes: odd, objectionable, and offensive.

If you’re proud of your goatee, you may favor: outstanding, opulent, or omnipotent.

(And feel free to bump up the hair count to become Othoog, or whatever.)

Actually, I don’t feel all that bad about my goatee. I kind of like it. I rub the hairs a lot. I only mock myself in a transparent effort to protect my feelings. My wife has been surprisingly supportive/not openly scornful of this undertaking. My mom and my hairdresser have already expressed their respective disapproval and amusement. (My daughter doesn’t care for “pricklies.”)

Becoming Ohhoog takes work. With the “whole” beard of four-hundred-fifty-seven hairs, I got out of shaving for a couple of weeks, suffering only an itchy neck as the toll. I feel the need to shave more often with the goatee. The stubble seems more noticeable, and I want to emphasize the terrain change. But it’s worth it, for the magnificently regal appearance I present, and for blog post material.

So. I am Ohhoog now.

Oh, you wanted a picture? A real picture, and not some goat I pulled from Project Gutenberg?

I thought about including one today — I wanted to — but we’re only twelve days into this thing. I’m planning to continue this foolishness at least until January 2nd. Wouldn’t you rather we waited?