If you sit at a desk and draw a salary, the magically deposited paychecks can seem abstract and disconnected from the emails and donuts and PowerPoint presentations that fill your days.
Maybe we soft and pudgy office workers could benefit from more tangible reminders that we are actually working, and being rewarded at the pleasure of demanding and arbitrary masters. We’d gain some perspective and motivation from payment that is less certain, as with a tip.
I’ll let Mr. Scratch from the management team take over to tell you all about a revolution in white collar compensation…
Hi, Everyone. Today I invite you to unlock your imagination!
Imagine a machine that sits on your desk and spits out $10 bills at an interval calibrated with your annual salary. Let’s say you make $41,600 per year. At 40 hours per week and 52 weeks in the year, that conveniently works out to $20 per hour. The machine will dispense a $10 bill every 30 minutes.
If your productivity falls, by some arcane and unknowable measure, the money will come out slower. You’ll have to stay late if you want to earn your day’s pay. Of course, the money never comes out faster if you work harder. That would be silly.
The money won’t arrive at precise intervals, even if you’re working at optimal efficiency. This will cut down on random wandering and extended bathroom breaks. Better eat lunch at your desk, too.
What about meetings? We need our meetings, of course, and long ones at that, so we’ll set up “pay dispensers” in the conference rooms. I bet you’ll be more reliable about attending meetings, won’t you? And you won’t be doodling so much and texting your spouse, will you? If you miss a meeting… well, your tens will be an added bonus for those coworkers that value participation more than you.
This takes care of so many challenges facing business today. For example, the menace of “telecommuting.” It will be too much overhead to install and maintain remote payment terminals, so everyone has to come into the office every day. It will be a return to the glorious days of “face time.”
When required, it will be easier to leverage overtime as a tactical solution to time constraints. Your manager will simply turn a dial down to slow the flow rate of the bills. You won’t be physically locked in the building anymore — you can go home if you want — but keep in mind that your team members will be happy to collect your tens as an added incentive.
Sick days? This is the perfect time to revisit the whole concept of sick pay. We probably can’t do away with it completely, yet, but we can certainly ask more of the sickies. If you’re not completely incapacitated, you may sit at your desk and feebly pluck at the tens as they roll off (at a reduced rate, of course). But if you can’t even make it to the office, it hardly seems right to reward you for that day, does it? We’re paying you to work, or at least sit at your desk.
Vacations? You spoiled paper pushers do like your vacations, don’t you? I guess we’ll grudgingly continue to provide this, for now. Here’s the deal: You won’t get the money up front, or during the vacation, but when you return, we’ll pay you an extra 25% per hour until you’ve “earned” your pay for the time you missed. So if you take off Monday, you’ll be all caught up by the weekend. But you’ll need to work 25% harder, or you’ll only receive normal pay. It’s only fair.
Don’t look so glum!
Imagine walking out of the office every day with all those ten dollar bills in your pocket. It will feel like a million bucks! Likewise, it will be so much easier getting out of bed in the morning, thinking about all that hard cash rolling off the press.
The pay dispensers will be installed tonight. Look for more updates as we implement this exciting new policy.
Thank you all for your support of this initiative.