Unfollowing / Unfriending Form Letter

Dear Friend, Family Member, or Complete Stranger:

I’m unfollowing you for any number of reasons. Complicated reasons that surely have more to do with me than you. I’m notifying you of the unfollowing/unfriending in case your “interest” in me was reciprocal or contingent in any way upon a mutual connection, so that you can likewise unfriend or unfollow me. (I’m probably even more irritating than you are.)

If you require examples of why I’m breaking this social bond, well, let’s see…

Check all that apply:

  • You tweet too much. Or too little. Or about the wrong things.
  • You shared too many vacation pictures.
  • I grew tired of seeing your horoscope in my timeline.
  • You didn’t “like,” star, or retweet my wit and wisdom enough.
  • It rankled me that you “liked” Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin. In general, your likes are like a roster of stupid.
  • There’s nothing wrong with your social network usage, but your posts make me feel anxious or insecure in some unspecifiable way.
  • Your profile picture unsettles me.
  • You’re too edgy.
  • My god, don’t you get tired of always being so clever?
  • You posted too many song lyrics or inspirational quotes, or ones that failed to entertain me.
  • In general, you demonstrate a lack of understanding of the importance of amusing and entertaining me.
  • You didn’t appreciate my song lyrics or inspirational quotes.
  • Maybe I’m not unfriending you, but I’m choosing not to see your updates, so please don’t expect me to be current on anything you’re talking about.
  • You kept exhorting me to like and share something if I had any decency or human feelings, and I grew tired of the constant ethical dilemmas.
  • Your children are dreadfully unattractive.
  • Not enough cat pictures.